Maelstrom Extra: Pants Problems

“But Kalila,” Ricky tried to get her to look at the credit card statement. “Did you really need three pairs of the exact same boots?”

“They phase out old styles all the time,” she said. “This way when one pair wears out—”

Ricky rested his elbows on the table, willing himself to remain calm. “You’re a djinn. You can fix them, or conjure new ones, or—” he looked up as Bo emerged from the other room, clad only in a black leather jockstrap. “What the hell? Put some clothes on.”

“I’m trying, human.” Bo ambled over to the sofa and began rummaging among some magazines and damp towels. “It’s just that my favorite pants are missing.”

Kalila leaned back in her chair. “They probably became someone’s souvenir. How many girls did you have here last night?”

Bo was peering beneath a sofa cushion and didn’t look up. “Including or excluding the tranny?”

“Oh, never mind.” Kalila stood and gave Ricky a stern look. “I’m not discussing my shoes with you any more. Just pay the bill and wake me up when we need to leave for the show.”

Ricky watched her dissolve into blue smoke and pour herself into a bottle. By now Bo was standing in the middle of the room, hands on his hips, looking around in exasperation. “Any chance you could put something on?” Ricky asked him. “Even if it’s just a towel?”

“Why? Do I turn you on? I can look for my pants later if you’d like to—”

“No, and I wish you’d quit asking.” Ricky made as if to pick up the credit card bill again, but then reconsidered. “Don’t you ever have misgivings about your behavior? Any regrets?”

Bo quit rifling through a satchel that usually held sheet music and CDs, and couldn’t possibly contain his pants. “I’m sorry, Ricky. What?”

“You know, don’t you ever wish you’d done things different? You’ve gotten the band kicked out of several venues, you’ve been beaten up by jealous boyfriends, shot at by a pissed-off wife, kicked out of the band multiple times, and banned from the zoo. Don’t you think that’s a little excessive? And now you’ve lost an expensive pair of pants because some girl wanted them as a memento.”

“Actually, I think it was the tranny,” Bo said thoughtfully. “She was asking where I got them and what they cost.”

“And doesn’t this tell you something about the need to make a few changes?”

Bo considered. “We should make my pants an ongoing line item in the budget, shouldn’t we? This seems to be happening a lot lately.”

“Uh…right.” Ricky sighed and rubbed his forehead. “How about you bring that up at the next band meeting?”

“Nah.” Bo waved a hand in disgust. “Everyone's okay with it when it’s the djinn’s new boots on the bill, but no one wants to pay for an incubus’ pants.” He went into the bedroom, muttering that he would just have to wear his old pants for the night’s show, and nobody better steal them, no matter what their gender.

Ricky sat for a moment, pondering. Then he reached for his BlackBerry and made a memo to himself to mention both the boots and the pants at the next meeting. Either everyone’s clothes went onto the budget or no one’s did, and if Bo’s pants didn’t constitute a business expense, then neither did Kalila’s shoes. It wasn’t going to be a fun conversation, and if anyone had any regrets by the time it was all over, Ricky had a feeling it was going to be him.